December 26, 2007

Hello everyone,
I hope all is well out there.

It's the day after Christmas. I haven't posted in a while. I can't say I haven't thought about it. The funny thing is that my illness is what kept me from continuing this blog.

Two of the major symptoms that I suffer from are, CONFUSION and INDECISION! I can't cancentrate to save my life right now. Well, maybe to save my life. I can't make the smallest decisions. To write or not to write. To buy bread or not to buy bread. It doesn't matter what it is.
So just thinking about writing is a decision that I couldn't make. I guess I made the decision by not deciding.
Anyway, I wasn't really looking forward to Christmas this year. Actually, I don't ever really look forward to Christmas. However this year has been harder than any of the past. This is my first Christmas without my mom and dad. It's funny, because even though that is the case, I really didn't think about them alot. I have been preoccupied with my boyfriend going into rehab. He went in on Thursday the 20th. It was really hard for me to leave him there, and I have done nothing but worry about him since. I did get to visit with him for a few hours on Christmas day. That made me feel alot better. He looked good, and told me he was OK and that he felt more comfortable in this rehab than at another one he tried a few months ago.

There is so much I want to say about my life, I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't feel like anyone wants to read about my boring life, but that is part of how my brain works. The point of all this is to help anyone who is looking for help. Not really help, but read about how depression affects my daily life, the things I do to help myself, etc. It's hard for me to express why I am doing this, because it's not like there are a list of reasons. It's more about what I write and how I write it. I'm trying to explain a little better how a person who suffers from depression will understand what I mean. My brain doesn't work the way people who don't have depression does. Believe it or not, it is very hard even now for me to believe that I have this illness. I thought everyone was like this. I just always wondered why I couldn't do the things that everyone else can. Like hold a full time job. If you asked me why, I still at 37 years old, can't explain it.

Anyway, this blog is a work in progress. So it will probably be changing everyday. Besides the fact that I can't decide how I want it to look and sound and whatever else I need to decide on. I would like to be able to have other things like inspirational, and things that will make people laugh.

I want to help anyone I can deal with depression and their daily life.

December 20, 2007

I have suffered from anxiety attacks since I was a child. I remember having what I now recognize to be anxiety attacks in 1st grade. I remember crying, being scared, and wanting my mom. I couldn't tell the teacher what was wrong, because I didn't know. Today it is different because depression is being recognized as an illness, a disease or disorder. In the 1970's no one knew anything about it, and no one talked about it. Those who suffered, did it in silence.

As an adult, I still suffer from depression, panic attacks, and anxiety. The difference is I have been in treatment for the last 15 years, and eventhough modern pharmaceuticals and behavioral therapy have helped me live without the paralyzing effects of depression, there is no cure. Therefore, I will have to deal with depression everyday for the rest of my life.

There is hope though. There a many ways to cope with depression, and live a relatively normal life. Normal of course being a relative word. What is normal anyway?

So the whole point of this is to share my personal experiences, and knowledge of mental illness. When I was really sick, I did whatever I could to feel better. When I say whatever I could, I mean positive, legal actions. I don't drink alcohol, or use drugs. I went to the book store and spent alot of time in the "self help" section. I read as much as I could about my illness and how to get better. The book store wasn't the only place I looked for help though. I also began behavioral therapy. This helped me as much as the anti-depressant medication I started taking. In my opinion, they really go hand in hand. For those who don't like one or the other, you are denying yourself tremendous help. Life is too short to feel like crap because you don't want to take a pill everyday. It's worth it!

Anyway, there are many symptoms of depression. Not everyone experiences the same ones. Among the symptoms I experience, one of them is concentration. There are times when I feel like I can't think straight. What is thinking straight? Does it make sense? I think they call it lack of concentration. Not only can't I think straight, my mind seems like it is racing around like a whirlwind. They call that racing thoughts.

I am talking about this now because I would like to be able to structure my blog in a way that will help anyone looking for help. Help that is easy to find and understand. I know alot about depression, and maybe if I talk about how depression and it's symptoms directly affect my life, I will be able to help other people who are suffering. Know one thing, you are not alone! The key is to reach out.