February 27, 2008

I don't know where to start. I have been working on my blog Used Car Buying Guide.
I have changed it so many times, my head is pounding.

I have been trying to add "show/hide post summaries" to my template, but I just can't seem to get it right. I am feeling very discouraged. I try so hard, and spend so much time, and feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I am very close, yet again to giving up.

Half of my problem is that I am trying to do too many things at once. It's impossible. One person can only be in one place at a time.

I know that people who suffer from depression don't have the same thought patterns as people who don't have depression. We spend so much of our time fighting ourselves, and going around in circles. It is truly exhausting. Take these blogs I have started. 4 blogs. I can't keep up with one let alone 4! And you should see my house! I planned on going out first thing this morning to get cat food, but once I get on this computer, I can't seem to pull myself away from it. Needless to say, I haven't gotten car food yet. I figure I can always give them a can of tuna. One time I actually gave them split pea and ham soup. And yes, their poop came out green! It was kindof gross actually.

So the whole reason I started 4 different blogs was because I wanted to talk about different things, and I still don't really know how to roll them all into one. I have been working on it, but when I can't concentrate it is difficult.

Anyway. I am always trying to learn things like limiting my time on the computer so I can get some laundry done. Things like that. It's hard. My days go by, and not much gets done. My good friend disagrees with me. She thinks that I accomplish lots of things each day, or week. I know I don't give myself credit for the things I do, especially when I look around and there is always more to be done. And then my boyfriend comes home from rehab for a day and then I have to recover from him being here. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I do have somewhat of a routine, and on the days he comes home, my routine gets completely destroyed. That really throws me off.

I'm also still having a hard time thinking anyone is going to give a s--t about me and my life. I try to remember what John Chow says on his blog. That blogs are personal, and that the reader is supposed to feel like they are having a one on one conversation with you. That's what keeps me posting.

I have some ideas of some TV shows that I like that I want to share, and my mini-dachshund had puppies on Feb 23rd, so I want to post pictures of them. Hopefully I will be able to do those things without having to spend the next 4 hours on the computer.

Well, thanks for listening, and I hope to see you again soon!

February 25, 2008

For those of you who don't know what a Judgement For Possession is, it is a notice delivered to your house that tells you that you have 3 days to move out.

According to information I have read about the disabled and drug addicts, being evicted from their homes is a pretty common thing. I know that making ends meet today is hard for almost everyone, but can you imagine how much harder it is for someone who can't work because of their mental illness, to have enough income to pay monthly rent? I can say from experience, that it is alot harder than you think. I'm not going to get into the homeless situation in our country, but the population of homeless people is overwhelming. Most people have no idea how easy it is to become homeless.

Alot of the time, mental illness and drug addiction go hand in hand.

Back to my point, my boyfriend is an addict currently in drug rehab. Anyone who knows or has a loved one who is an addict, knows what it has been like for me. Although I have known him for 4 or 5 years, we have only been together for 6 months or so. In that short amount of time, I have lost just about everything. Ending finally with the Judgement For Possession that I was served today.

Maybe the mentally ill are easy prey for addicts. But then again, I'm sure any addict can con the smartest of person.

So it got to the point where I thought I was going to be homeless. If it weren't for a valuable friend who understood my situation, who helped me keep my mobile home, I would now have 3 days to move. Because I was able to come up with the balance I owed, even though the judgement for possession was served today, I won't be locked out at the end of the 3 days.

I got lucky. Very lucky. What I have learned for me is that rent comes first ALWAYS!

I plan on writing more about this later for those who need more information about being evicted from their home, or about dealing with an addict.

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February 24, 2008

Hi everyone,
I know it has been a while since I posted. Alot of things have been going on besides the fact that my phone and internet service were disconnected. Yet more fallout from when my boyfriend was using.

The telephone bill is only one of many bills that have gone unpaid over the last few months. Lucky for me the electric company can't turn off my heat between Nov 15th and March 15th, give or take a week or so. As long as you can provide proof that you participate in one of the low-income energy programs. I'm in New Jersey, I don't know what programs are available in other states.

Although they can't turn off my power doesn't mean the bill isn't still getting bigger. That I will have to deal with in the spring.

Back to the phone bill. Needless to say, I haven't been able to get online at home, and doing it at someone's house was unreasonable considering I am on the computer for hours at a time.

Anyway, things have been pretty rough since my boyfriend went into rehab. I was so relieved when he went, but then I had to deal with him being gone and the path of destruction he left behind. It's almost the end of January and he is still there, and doing well. For anyone who wants to know, he is in the Salvation Army Men's Rehab Program. I don't know alot about rehab programs, but so far I have heard nothing but good things about this one.

There are so many things I want to talk about, I don't know where to start.

I have been trying to work for the past few weeks, but haven't been able to get myself there. Work is one of my most important issues. The fact that I can't hold a full time job, and never have.

This is really hard for me. Just writing, and putting it together so it makes sense. Maybe I should make an outline.

As I post on this blog, like I said, I struggle to make sense. I think I am missing the point of why I am making this blog. The point is so that people who suffer from depression can read and be able to relate to someone else who has or is experiencing the same things. Whether I make sense or not, if I try to keep it as realistic as I can about my experience of life, maybe someone can find some relief in my words. There is nothing like relief from depression.

A dear sweet friend of mine makes lists on index cards everyday. She thinks that it's weird and wacky, or so she is told, but how different is it really from a "To Do" list except on regular paper? The whole point is to remember the things we need to do. Now actually getting them done is another story. This can be overwhelming. I can imagine her saying something like, "if I make a short list, maybe 2 things, then when I get them done, I will be happy I accomplished something." She's no dummy! We are different, yet the same in many ways.

This is for her as I know she is going to read this (she likes my blog, quite possibly the only person on the net who has been reading it or knows it exists!) Everyone out there might want stock in Kleenex, because after she reads this I'm sure the stock will go sky high!

I want my dear friend to know how grateful I am for her kindness. Eventhough we haven't known eachother for a long time, I do believe you are an enlightened soul, who everyday manages to transcend life's struggles, yestarday's and today's.

Wow, I am at a lose for words. I don't think I can say anything to follow that.

I can say however that because it has been so long since I have posted, I will probably be posting alot now that I'm back online. I have alot of catching up to do.

Your comments are welcome, so please don't hesitate to let me know what you think.

February 20, 2008

Well, here we are again. It's Saturday morning and I am struggling with the decision of what to do. Let me give you a little bit of background so you can understand what I mean. I have an Associates Degree in Automotive Technology, as well as, being a liscenced hairdresser. Although I love working on cars, I can't get a job doing that right now. I'll get into why later. Doing hair on the other hand, I can pretty much do whenever I want. I used to work at a $10 haircut shop, and my manager there is really nice. She usually lets me come in and help out when I call her. The problem is that she always needs help on the weekends. Honestly, it's not just the weekends I have issues with. It's any day of the week. The point I'm trying to get at is that I hate doing hair. I don't hate it but, to make any money I have to do so many heads of hair. It's like an assembly line. The only difference is that on an assembly line you are working constantly. Atleast for me, doing walk-ins, you are pretty much at the mercy of when people decide to walk through the door to come in for a haircut. So I could be there for an hour and do one haircut, just because one person walked through the door. And I'm not the only hairdresser there doing walk-ins, so when you take turns, when it is slow, you are sitting around most of the time feeling more and more like you don't want to be there.

On the other hand, when it is busy, you can do 5 haircuts in a row without a break. To me, that's a little tough. Maybe it isn't for other hairdressers, but it takes alot out of me.

So I am sitting here thinking, it's 7:50am. I would have to be ready to go by 9:00am. Then I start thinking. I don't want to go. Don't ask me why, I just don't. Which is one of the issues I have been working on in therapy.

I'm going to take a detour from the subject for a minute. Humor me. Sometimes when I sit and think about things in my life, somehow, sometimes things suddenly seem to link together, and I gain a moment of insight. That is happening just as I am writing this.

If you asked me how I feel when I know I have to go to work, I wouldn't really be able to give you an answer. But when I think about something I have to do that gives me anxiety, I don't want to do it. If you asked me why, I would say I don't want to . In the end, I end up with all kinds of excuses why I don't end up going. Is it that I have anxiety about doing hair? I don't know. I know that I don't have obvious anxiety.

Sometimes I don't leave the house all day. I have plenty of things to do inside that can keep me there. I will go outside to put the garbage out and stuff but I don't get into the car and leave the trailor park. And I'm fine that way. But, I'm sure it isn't good for me. Maybe dealing with people, especially people that I don't know. Maybe I have anxiety about leaving the house, and anxiety about being in an enviroment where I don't really know anyone. I know most of the hairdressers, and they are fine. Maybe it's dealing with strangers, and doing something to them that they might not like, and be mad, even when I do what they told me to. It's funny, because alot of the time, people ask me my name, and when I work because they like the way I cut their hair. I usually tell them, that I am only helping out and they probably won't see me again. Funny, huh. Is it the commitment to something? Is it something I will always be afraid of?

I am far from done here, but I am going to go take a shower and get ready for 9:00. I am going to think about this as I am going to work.

February 1, 2008

I have noticed that a few people stopped by from my other blog Used Car Buying Guide.

Honestly I have been neglecting this blog for that one. I also have one called A Day In My Life

I hope those links work.

I want to thank those of you who atleast visited this blog. Whether you read anything or not, is ok. I have alot of things to share, I have just been spending so much time on the car blog, that I just haven't gotten to this one.

Not much has changed. I have decided to focus my energy on blogging with adsense, and others I got from the JohnChow.com blog. The amount of information out there is absolutely overwhelming, but I think I might be on to something because, I, nor my boyfriend can seem to pry me off the computer. I keep telling him it's like opening a restaurant, except without the actual financial investment. You put all your time and effort into it, and in time you start to see a return for your investment. Does that make sense? I think so.

Other than that, my mini-dachshund in going to have puppies in about 3 weeks. If you checked out the clip in the begining of the blog, you will see her with her first litter last season. I originally thought that breeding would be kind of fun. I was wrong! Yeah, the puppies were absolutely, adorable, but the endless flow of pee and poo! Besides the fact that my dog, Pippi, is such a small girl, it has taken so much out of her, I don't think I will be doing it again. I am really worried about her. She is huge! I will try to upload some recent pictures of her, and after the puppies are born.

I gotta go. I have been on the computer all day.

For those of you who may be wondering, my boyfriend is doing very well in rehab. Maybe later I will tell you about the things he is doing there. Groups, working, etc.

I will try to post again soon. If not check out my car blog, you will probably see where I have been spending all my time.

December 26, 2007

Hello everyone,
I hope all is well out there.

It's the day after Christmas. I haven't posted in a while. I can't say I haven't thought about it. The funny thing is that my illness is what kept me from continuing this blog.

Two of the major symptoms that I suffer from are, CONFUSION and INDECISION! I can't cancentrate to save my life right now. Well, maybe to save my life. I can't make the smallest decisions. To write or not to write. To buy bread or not to buy bread. It doesn't matter what it is.
So just thinking about writing is a decision that I couldn't make. I guess I made the decision by not deciding.
Anyway, I wasn't really looking forward to Christmas this year. Actually, I don't ever really look forward to Christmas. However this year has been harder than any of the past. This is my first Christmas without my mom and dad. It's funny, because even though that is the case, I really didn't think about them alot. I have been preoccupied with my boyfriend going into rehab. He went in on Thursday the 20th. It was really hard for me to leave him there, and I have done nothing but worry about him since. I did get to visit with him for a few hours on Christmas day. That made me feel alot better. He looked good, and told me he was OK and that he felt more comfortable in this rehab than at another one he tried a few months ago.

There is so much I want to say about my life, I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't feel like anyone wants to read about my boring life, but that is part of how my brain works. The point of all this is to help anyone who is looking for help. Not really help, but read about how depression affects my daily life, the things I do to help myself, etc. It's hard for me to express why I am doing this, because it's not like there are a list of reasons. It's more about what I write and how I write it. I'm trying to explain a little better how a person who suffers from depression will understand what I mean. My brain doesn't work the way people who don't have depression does. Believe it or not, it is very hard even now for me to believe that I have this illness. I thought everyone was like this. I just always wondered why I couldn't do the things that everyone else can. Like hold a full time job. If you asked me why, I still at 37 years old, can't explain it.

Anyway, this blog is a work in progress. So it will probably be changing everyday. Besides the fact that I can't decide how I want it to look and sound and whatever else I need to decide on. I would like to be able to have other things like inspirational, and things that will make people laugh.

I want to help anyone I can deal with depression and their daily life.

December 20, 2007

I have suffered from anxiety attacks since I was a child. I remember having what I now recognize to be anxiety attacks in 1st grade. I remember crying, being scared, and wanting my mom. I couldn't tell the teacher what was wrong, because I didn't know. Today it is different because depression is being recognized as an illness, a disease or disorder. In the 1970's no one knew anything about it, and no one talked about it. Those who suffered, did it in silence.

As an adult, I still suffer from depression, panic attacks, and anxiety. The difference is I have been in treatment for the last 15 years, and eventhough modern pharmaceuticals and behavioral therapy have helped me live without the paralyzing effects of depression, there is no cure. Therefore, I will have to deal with depression everyday for the rest of my life.

There is hope though. There a many ways to cope with depression, and live a relatively normal life. Normal of course being a relative word. What is normal anyway?

So the whole point of this is to share my personal experiences, and knowledge of mental illness. When I was really sick, I did whatever I could to feel better. When I say whatever I could, I mean positive, legal actions. I don't drink alcohol, or use drugs. I went to the book store and spent alot of time in the "self help" section. I read as much as I could about my illness and how to get better. The book store wasn't the only place I looked for help though. I also began behavioral therapy. This helped me as much as the anti-depressant medication I started taking. In my opinion, they really go hand in hand. For those who don't like one or the other, you are denying yourself tremendous help. Life is too short to feel like crap because you don't want to take a pill everyday. It's worth it!

Anyway, there are many symptoms of depression. Not everyone experiences the same ones. Among the symptoms I experience, one of them is concentration. There are times when I feel like I can't think straight. What is thinking straight? Does it make sense? I think they call it lack of concentration. Not only can't I think straight, my mind seems like it is racing around like a whirlwind. They call that racing thoughts.

I am talking about this now because I would like to be able to structure my blog in a way that will help anyone looking for help. Help that is easy to find and understand. I know alot about depression, and maybe if I talk about how depression and it's symptoms directly affect my life, I will be able to help other people who are suffering. Know one thing, you are not alone! The key is to reach out.