February 20, 2008

Well, here we are again. It's Saturday morning and I am struggling with the decision of what to do. Let me give you a little bit of background so you can understand what I mean. I have an Associates Degree in Automotive Technology, as well as, being a liscenced hairdresser. Although I love working on cars, I can't get a job doing that right now. I'll get into why later. Doing hair on the other hand, I can pretty much do whenever I want. I used to work at a $10 haircut shop, and my manager there is really nice. She usually lets me come in and help out when I call her. The problem is that she always needs help on the weekends. Honestly, it's not just the weekends I have issues with. It's any day of the week. The point I'm trying to get at is that I hate doing hair. I don't hate it but, to make any money I have to do so many heads of hair. It's like an assembly line. The only difference is that on an assembly line you are working constantly. Atleast for me, doing walk-ins, you are pretty much at the mercy of when people decide to walk through the door to come in for a haircut. So I could be there for an hour and do one haircut, just because one person walked through the door. And I'm not the only hairdresser there doing walk-ins, so when you take turns, when it is slow, you are sitting around most of the time feeling more and more like you don't want to be there.

On the other hand, when it is busy, you can do 5 haircuts in a row without a break. To me, that's a little tough. Maybe it isn't for other hairdressers, but it takes alot out of me.

So I am sitting here thinking, it's 7:50am. I would have to be ready to go by 9:00am. Then I start thinking. I don't want to go. Don't ask me why, I just don't. Which is one of the issues I have been working on in therapy.

I'm going to take a detour from the subject for a minute. Humor me. Sometimes when I sit and think about things in my life, somehow, sometimes things suddenly seem to link together, and I gain a moment of insight. That is happening just as I am writing this.

If you asked me how I feel when I know I have to go to work, I wouldn't really be able to give you an answer. But when I think about something I have to do that gives me anxiety, I don't want to do it. If you asked me why, I would say I don't want to . In the end, I end up with all kinds of excuses why I don't end up going. Is it that I have anxiety about doing hair? I don't know. I know that I don't have obvious anxiety.

Sometimes I don't leave the house all day. I have plenty of things to do inside that can keep me there. I will go outside to put the garbage out and stuff but I don't get into the car and leave the trailor park. And I'm fine that way. But, I'm sure it isn't good for me. Maybe dealing with people, especially people that I don't know. Maybe I have anxiety about leaving the house, and anxiety about being in an enviroment where I don't really know anyone. I know most of the hairdressers, and they are fine. Maybe it's dealing with strangers, and doing something to them that they might not like, and be mad, even when I do what they told me to. It's funny, because alot of the time, people ask me my name, and when I work because they like the way I cut their hair. I usually tell them, that I am only helping out and they probably won't see me again. Funny, huh. Is it the commitment to something? Is it something I will always be afraid of?

I am far from done here, but I am going to go take a shower and get ready for 9:00. I am going to think about this as I am going to work.